Summit Up NH

I have been struggling. It started before Charlie passed away, but his passing has made it worse. Charlie was my sweet pup, my companion for 11 years, my longest friendship.

I knew it was going to happen sometime soon, I just wasn’t ready to say goodbye. It’s not lost on me the opinion that “he’s just a dog” or that there are people in the world suffering from bigger and harder losses than this. When I start to beat myself up for my pity party, I always come back to one of my favorite Ted Talks. It’s Ash Beckham talking about empathy and openness, and at about the 3:30 mark she says “Hard is not relative. Hard is hard. Who can tell me that telling someone you just declared bankruptcy is harder than telling someone you just cheated on them. Who can tell me that his coming out story is harder than telling your 5 year old you’re getting a divorce. There is no harder, there is just hard.” So this is my hard right now, and I’m struggling.

I miss him. He was such a sweet, loving, and gentle dog. He was always there. Sometimes annoyingly so, like in the kitchen under my feet, almost tripping me every time I had to move. But it’s those things that I miss the most sometimes. He loved ice cubes. Whenever someone dropped a piece of ice while filling a glass or water bottle, he was there to scoop it up. So after he passed, I cried every time I heard an ice cube drop. I cry when I look in the kitchen and he’s not standing there pretending he is starving. I cry in the morning when I wake up and I don’t hear him climb down from his chair and come to my room. I cry when I look at the other two dogs and wonder if they miss him too. I cry for my kids who grew up with him by their side. I cry because I have another dog, and Paul has another dog, and I don’t want to be sad like this again.

On Saturday, January 28, 2023, two days before Charlie passed away, Paul and I hiked Mt. Pemigewasset (2,557′). We hiked with Paul’s friend Doug and his golden, Ruby. I remember at the summit we were talking about my pups and why we didn’t bring them. “Nugget could probably do it, but Charlie is just too old and has some back issues. He wouldn’t do well.”

The hike was spectacular. It’s another peak on the 52 WAV list. I’m not sure what number it is for Paul and I, but it was Doug’s first and it was awesome that we got to experience that with him. The trail was perfect. Packed snow and no postholes. The weather was just as perfect. Blue sky and warm for the end of January. It was also busy because it is one of those trails that is a slight pull off from the mountains just before Franconia Notch.

When you hike with a dog your pace slows only because everyone wants to stop and talk to the dog (those people are my kind of people). During one of the many stops, one hiker exclaimed to me “Are you Amanda?” I was taken aback because I was with Paul, and he’s the famous one. “From Hiking Buddies?” she continued. “And is that Paul?” She recognized us from the popular Facebook group Hiking Buddies NH 48. We chatted for a while, took an ussie, of course, and went on our way. Following this encounter, our friend Doug said “I had no idea I was hiking with royalty.” This is just what happens when you are a member of the greatest Facebook group in the world.

After the summit, Ruby was eager to get down the mountain. She and I left our hiking buddies in the dust to run down the the trail and waited patiently in the parking lot.

Don’t get me wrong, I still shower and go to work. It took me a couple of weeks, but I’m back at the gym. But my typical desire to “do” is lacking. So much so that this past weekend, even as I was making plans to hike, I almost said out loud, I really just don’t want to hike. That’s when I knew I had to. The hiking trails are where I feel most like myself. When I am walking in the woods, no matter what is going on in my life, I feel happy. I knew that this is what I needed to get me to feeling better. It was either that or watch “Marley & Me” again and my daughter has requested I stop immersing myself in sad dog things.

So on Saturday, February 19, 2023, I woke up and almost told Paul I didn’t want to hike. He is finding this out right now. I decided not to say anything because I would be in good company and deep down I knew the woods would help me feel a little better.

Another 52 WAV, Hedgehog Mountain (the smallest of the 52s at 2,532′) with great friends. The forecast was iffy, but it turned out to be a beautiful day. The UNH trail was well traveled and packed and the summit was clear. It was a little windy when we reached the first view point, but when we went around to the other side of the mountain to the summit, there was no wind at all. We took in an amazing view of Mt. Washington as we descended. The trail down was lined with fallen pine boughs. Tiny ones, it seemed strewn just along the packed trail, like someone had purposely placed them there. I don’t know if I was imagining it, but it smelled like Christmas.

I needed this. I needed to see my friend Chantalle. I was so excited and happy to meet Melissa, finally, after over a year of friendship. The woods and my hiking community filled my heart with peace and made me forget my grief for a little while. Plus I always love a road trip with Paul. We sing at the top of our lungs, talk a lot because he can’t escape me, and solve all the worlds problems. We got to spend some time in North Conway, dreaming of someday spending a lot more time there. We ate some yummy food. We went to our favorite shops. I needed all of that.

I’m still sad. I’m still struggling. But I know that every minute in the woods and on the trails is another step toward feeling better. Oh, and Nugget doesn’t know this yet, but he’s now a hiking dog. His charge is to make Charlie proud!